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I realized today that I am single. I had a conversation about my thoughts on monogamy a few nights ago, and this morning, after pondering what had been said, I realized that I am truly single for the first time in 6 years. My living situation is still rocky, but that will be rectified shortly. I don't regret my choice to embark on that journey with him, and I hope that we can one day be friends.

I think I'm feeling closure today. The journey with my ex-husband was so intense. We experienced things that I never believed were possible, and things that I wished weren't. I realized that although I don't regret my most recent relationship with said "roommate", I do regret trying to start something serious during a time of mourning. Of course you sometimes have to try even if you believe you'll fail. I'm the kind of person who hates to miss chances. Where was I? Oh, yes monogamy...

I realized, just now, that the story of my marriage is over. The vows of that day were broken a long time ago. I'm beholden only to myself and my little guy. Most people would be happy after what we went through, but I suppose my belief in true love (though it is an abstract idea) has left me feeling sad and disappointed. I'm a wee bit numb as well, but also hopeful for the future. I think you get so used to planning your future with someone that when that vision dissipates it feels like you were on a holodeck situated above a ravine and it was suddenly turned off. It's scary and debilitating. I think I was finally able to get over that feeling at the beginning of this year.

Today I feel strong and focused. I want to move forward and create the stability that is lacking in my life. I'm also a little jaded and perhaps cynical, but I'm working on that. Ultimately I've made my own choices and can continue to do so either to the detriment or enhancement of my life.

Blah, blah, blah, motivational speech to self...

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Since when are you jaded and cynical?

You have got to be one of the strongest, beautiful, and intelligent women that I know. To have gone through so much heart-ache, yet still have any hope left, is truly remarkable. I really admire you for who you are. Just thought you should know. :) <3

...And YOU are drowning me in flattery!
Seriously though, hope is what keeps everyone going. It's tied into all kinds of ideals and beliefs. There is ALWAYS reason to hope, especially in/after the "dark" times.

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