Job prospects and moving right along....
Mitsubishi Power Systems is an amazing company and I just found out that they have 2 positions coming available for someone with my background. I sent them my resume, 3 recommendations, and a cover letter explaining the few periods without employment and my current situation. They loved what I sent them and are considering me for the positions. I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. They have amazing benefits and it'd be full-time with great advancement opportunities! It's a bit of a drive, but I don't mind.

I really need a good, full-time job. I can't keep living like this. Every time I turn around there are questions and unloading of emotions that I can't/wont deal with. I am not the trash heap. Each conversation only solidifies my resolve that we were right to separate.

I hate being manipulated and controlled. I would never try to do that to someone that I love. Love isn't about what you can get from the other person. It should be reciprocal. You give all that you have and they do the same. You build trust and take care of each other. When they are down, you try to lift them up, and vice versa. You may not always be able to fix everything right away but you reassure each other that everything WILL be okay. You are there for each other. If I've learned anything from my previous relationships, it's this: If two people are meant to be, they will be. The minute you start giving up your values and molding yourself to fit into their "ideal mate", you become something else. You become someone else, and eventually you lose yourself. When it's finally drawing to an end, you've forgotten how to be you and are left not only alone and hurt, but lost. I can't do that again. I know what I want. I know what I can give to the person I love, and I know that love should be given without expectations. No one is entitled to my love. Love is a gift and should be treasured and shared as such. Love is trust and commitment. No matter what. No. Matter. What.

The problem is trust. I don't believe in being malicious. Yes, couples fight, but the gloves should not come off. As humans, we were given the ability to reason. Communication is the key. Once that line has been broken it starts the crack and eventually break. I don't ever understand how you can claim to love someone and throw words at them...

P.S. This is what happens when Bhren listens to Jeff Buckley sing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah".

Best moment of the day...
Today, I realized that everything is going to be alright. I also remembered why I LOVE children so much.

A man walked up to our cafe. Everyone stared as he got in line. He looked at the floor and waited his turn to order. We were pretty backed up, so it was taking a while. I could see people looking at him and whispering, "Wow, that's pretty bad.", "I can't believe how gross that looks." He was burned, it seemed to be most of his body and his entire face. A little girl, not much older than 4, waiting with her mother in the other line for drinks, stared quixotically at him. Her mom was oblivious. She finally walked over to him, and I strained to hear her little voice over the frap machines.
She said, "What happen to your face?"
Everyone stopped and listened, still continuing to murmur. Her mother tried to pull her daughter away, but he stopped her and explained that it was okay for her to ask.
He replied, "I was in a bad accident and I was burned."
"From a fiyah?"
"Yes, from a fire."
"Did it huwrt?"
"Yes, it hurt a lot."
"Does it huwrt now?"
"Aww, I'm so sowy!"
She then proceeded to give him a hug and patted his head gently.
Once the line died down, I had to take a break. That was one of the sweetest moments I've ever witnessed in my life.

I love the honesty and pure love that children express. This experience made my whole day.

Goals and Cross-roads...
I am at an impasse. I have so many goals that I have set for myself and I can't decide their order of importance. Also, thrown in the mix, are other things that I hadn't seen coming. I need a full-time job. I'm so grateful to have my current job, as it has allowed me to complete a few full semesters of school. Unfortunately/Fortunately I am now in need of a new place to live. I've missed having my own place for Taylor and I. I'm looking forward to the feeling of security when I get to do it all on my own again. I feel like I am, once again, looking down into the precipice. I hate not knowing how things will turn out... Ah, life.

What I am sure about:
1: I have amazing friends who have always been there for me. I'm overwhelmed by their outpouring of love and support.
2: Taylor is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm so excited for the coming year.
3: My heart is still bruised, but healing fast. I never realized how resilient I have become. I have my days of complete self-doubt, but in general feel that I can handle what life throws at me.
4: I HAVE to stay in school. It surprises me just how much I love school. I've got a 3.95 GPA, which is...well...I can't even describe.
5: I need to play more shows and try to get paid for them.
6: People will always let me down, but not everyone is a complete ass.
7: I "like" a boy. I don't know what that means and I'm okay with that. It's really nice to have no expectations.
8: I need to stop worrying so much.
9: I'm an eternal optimist, and I like it!
10: I want a job that I can be proud of. Cognitive Neural-Pathologist? Music Teacher? Interpreter for the Deaf? TV Host for the Travel Channel? Who knows!?!? Someone tell me.
11 I'm hungry.

I know these posts are silly, but they help me remember moments of clarity.

Today is a new day, and I refuse to allow my brain to take whatever tangent it chooses. Focus is the word.

I hate being so itchy that you can't sleep. Grrr.

I can't stop listening to Björk...

I realized today that I am single. I had a conversation about my thoughts on monogamy a few nights ago, and this morning, after pondering what had been said, I realized that I am truly single for the first time in 6 years. My living situation is still rocky, but that will be rectified shortly. I don't regret my choice to embark on that journey with him, and I hope that we can one day be friends.

I think I'm feeling closure today. The journey with my ex-husband was so intense. We experienced things that I never believed were possible, and things that I wished weren't. I realized that although I don't regret my most recent relationship with said "roommate", I do regret trying to start something serious during a time of mourning. Of course you sometimes have to try even if you believe you'll fail. I'm the kind of person who hates to miss chances. Where was I? Oh, yes monogamy...

I realized, just now, that the story of my marriage is over. The vows of that day were broken a long time ago. I'm beholden only to myself and my little guy. Most people would be happy after what we went through, but I suppose my belief in true love (though it is an abstract idea) has left me feeling sad and disappointed. I'm a wee bit numb as well, but also hopeful for the future. I think you get so used to planning your future with someone that when that vision dissipates it feels like you were on a holodeck situated above a ravine and it was suddenly turned off. It's scary and debilitating. I think I was finally able to get over that feeling at the beginning of this year.

Today I feel strong and focused. I want to move forward and create the stability that is lacking in my life. I'm also a little jaded and perhaps cynical, but I'm working on that. Ultimately I've made my own choices and can continue to do so either to the detriment or enhancement of my life.

Blah, blah, blah, motivational speech to self...

Today I sat on my mothers couch and watched as she slowly crumpled and started quietly crying to herself...
She received an announcement in the mail of her friend of 34 years passing away.
She quietly read and wept until she had finished, then passed the 5 page eulogy to me.
As I began reading, I realized the magnitude of just how special this person was. He fought in the Vietnam war, was married to his sweetheart for 38 years, he was a scholar and an author. In his, yet to be published, book he writes of an observation he had while working:

"...A rock fence neatly stacked ages ago surrounds Whispering Pine. It was rocky terrain up on the crest. Some markers are merely native rocks jutting out of the ground, limestone edifices - some places there are groupings of four and others are sprinkled about the more modern carved stones. These stones are the only testament left to someone's life. No name or date tells of their identity or span, just a rock buried up-ended in the ground.
As I pass another grave I realize it's a husband who died in his twenties. It has been two decades now and the flowers don't come as often. To some stones no flowers arrive anymore at all. The only thing left is the small subtle vibration the person has left in the universe, that ripple of the kind acts they have done spread and still affects others without their even knowing the source. These people live on in these ripples that undulate on remaining generations, from the people they helped, to the kindnesses they kindled..."

I am grateful for my mom and the people that have created these ripples in her life and in mine.

I love overcast days...
I miss evergreens and breathing in fresh, crisp air. I miss walking down the hill to the farmers market, eating fresh berries and vegetables while perusing the local artisans wares . I miss the laid-back atmosphere of Olympia and people that smile at you when you walk by. I miss looking out the window of my apartment and seeing sailboats in the sound. I especially miss the salmon run that starts in the sound and ends in the shallows after the tumultuous climb up Tumwater Falls. It was so cool to watch Taylor watch the seals waiting at the start of the run, and laugh and laugh. I miss supermarkets with 85% organic products. I miss driving into Portland for a show and taking the ferry to Seattle for, well, anything! I love my friends here, but I REALLY miss the Northwest. Anyone care to join my caravan??

Should be sleeping...
...not daydreaming! Damn.................


Log in

No account? Create an account